Solutions may be unconventional

Heavy heart...

It's not that my heart has gained weight. I'm not sure whether it's even an argument or disagreement, but things definitely don't feel good today. I know you've said you won't talk about it. But I guess whatever I couldn't say just now I would like to explain myself now.

Frankly speaking, I did feel completely demoralized and at a certain point, really felt so drained that I completely didn't want to carry on. Perhaps you are just you to me. I couldn't possibly treat you like someone I don't know. So maybe I had some underlying expectations of how things would have turned out. When I reached the point of having totally given up, I wasn't blaming you for how things turned out. More of disappointed at myself. But I knew it just wasn't possible for me to carry on.

So my idea was to just completely forget about it before the situation gets worse. At that point I did seriously contemplate leaving by myself so I could have some space to cool down and reorganize my thoughts a little. But as I stood up I knew it would feel really terrible for you to be walked out upon like that when you've done nothing wrong.

Ok, so after that I really don't know what hit me. But after crying I know all my emotions and thoughts were pretty much in a mess that's why I said I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe I was unprepared. Maybe I was expecting something else from you. Maybe I was disappointed that I simply threw in the towel like that. I can't pinpoint the source, but somewhere along that lines I guess.

Haven't had the chance to speak to you since then. I hope we'll both feel better after a sleep. I don't know if our movie date is still on tomorrow. But I sure hope so...

- Grumpy & moody

From office

Some random post from office since I'm rarely in here!

Hope to see u later dear!

Off to brave the rain!

The Happy Days!!

So before this blog sinks into depression from all that emo-ness, I'll shall cheer her up with some of our happy days!

Beginning from yesterday...

I'm so surprised u would actually be in bugis. Afterall, u took X no. of weeks to still-not-get your sunglasses done! haha! Oh ya.. Just in case I forget they said it will take abt 1-2wks for it to arrive. N your receipt is with me!

Ok, so what happened was I left office rather late and was all starving at that time. I quickly rushed to bugis mrt bef giving my baby a call. She didn't pick up my call and my first thought was 'uh oh she's sleeping!'. The train came and I boarded it. Then, tada! She called! haha.. was too late for me to dash out, so sat to lavender and then got back...

In all my hungry state I wanted to chomp on some tori-q to appease my stomach, but baby forbid me to.. And then we begin to play Guess-where-am-I game. haha! okok. i didn't find her. she told me where she was.

We finally settled at MOF. I got an unagi egg something set with tempura & she got a salmon bento. errr.. bt somehow i feel like i ate almost all!? I got lovingly spoon fed for the first half of the meal bef I regained energy to feed myself! :p

Obviously due to the stomach protest.. There's no evidence of main course left. Just dessert!

Since baby mentioned. Look @ the two spoons together! LOL

Apparently dinner was not all I got....

Next.... She played an 'unknown' tune to me... With this....

N then we stood along some carpark trying to figure out the tune.... hehehe! I love to see u so shy :p After she gave me a ride home, I had a song that goes something like....

You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine

You make me happy,

when skies are grey

You never know dear,

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

Hehehe!! I do admit this sunshine has been a little bit clouded lately. But I hope this cloud in my heart & thoughts will blow away quickly. I hope to be able to shine through it and provide you with warmth and errrr.. vitamin D?

Next up. My baby has developed a liking for a round me. And after our hefty dinner (good thing I wasn't made to eat tori-q anymore), I got more snacks!

Hehe. Reminds me of the day I pestered her to get me the black biscuit when it simply wasn't included in her voucher.

I got home and bathed before heading out to catch Mr. Hanky Panky in action. And I saw my darling again this morning! Weeee~

I know I'm not all grown up...

but I guess I still can make certain decisions on my own. All that talk about asking me to explore/experiment/try out with someone else. Please just let it stop before it does permanant damage to me. Idk if you said it bcos you don't want to fully commit to this r/s or like as you claim, it's for my own good. If it's the former just be frank with me & I'll make a serious consideration so that we can compromise somewhere. If it's the latter I just want you to know I can decide what is best for myself.

Regarding coming out to my family I've always been gg back and forth with it. So far my stand is that I'm not ready to let them know bcos I don't think I can handle the backlash yet. But I don't want to heavily compromise my lifestyle & make you an invisible element. To me things are fine as it is now. They know your existence but don't know that we r together. Should they happen to chance upon anything, I'll take whatever comes my way.

I know you had a terrible experience coming out n prob might feel that my character is not strong or mature enough to handle it. But at the end of the day I need to learn to defend myself. I always knew that I won't come out because of you. But I always thought that you would be the one that can give me the most strength and support through whatever difficult times that comes my way. I have never doubted this... But right now I think my belief has not only wavered but probably plummeted to almost zero. Not only do I feel I won't get your support, somehow I feel you'll even join hands with others to persuade me to become 'normal'. That's what will make everyone happy isn't it?

I don't know... Maybe afterall I barely know you....

What if I told you that one year of acting straight was one of the most painful periods of my life? What if I told you I seriously did contemplate taking my life?

Is it so ok for you to lose me?

I've shed so much tears already and I feel so lonely...

Why do I suddenly miss the days when we were just friends.. Just feel like those days we got so much closer at a faster rate. Somehow I feel stagnant now. hmmm.. It's like as if we begin doing so much things together that we don't talk anymore. If we were to lie there till 3am again, would we have that neverending conversations? Idk... I don't mean that talking nonstop is essential... I feel comfortable with you even in silence... it's just that we seem to have shared a certain part of us with each other, and then we just stopped. I can't say for sure what's unshared or missing, but it definitely doesn't feel that complete yet. Maybe I need to learn to be less constipated.. n increase my vocab to learn to explain certain thoughts...

Guess another part that bugs me is just how little I feel I understand you.. Your likes & dislikes.. hmmm.. I can't really look at a thing and go 'Bingo! I know she likes that'. Idk. maybe it's the lack of the so called gut feeling, or observation skills.. Or perhaps it's the communication..

But I'm certain one thing that hasn't changed is how happy I feel whenever I see you. The bu she de-ness whenever we part. The missing you when we're apart. I know I still love and want you by my side. That kind of genuine happiness seems amazing. That kind of energy to rush out at 6am shocks me. That kind of feeling of wanting to show you off to the world I cannot comprehend.

However, slowly my dream of forever is fading. Tears of sadness sometimes swell up at this prospect. But maybe it can help keep expectations in check. Maybe it can help me treasure you more. N ironically, maybe it can keep my hope of forever real.

While looking back at our old NZ pictures, had a sudden feeling that the past happiness just cannot be replicated. We've all grown up. Maybe our choice of travelling companions have changed. Maybe the things we want to do have become different. Now I understand why they say it's not easy to find someone to travel with. Maybe it's too difficult to find someone who can go off on the same days & have the same budget & want to go to the same place & wants to go with you...

I want to go back to NZ. That has been my dream ever since 2005. I rmb having a nice savings plan set out wishing I could go after poly or uni. Can work & travel on the same trip. Fast forward to 2010, the dream's still there. But reality has sunk in. I'm more broke then ever, and even if I save enough there's so much conflicting goals in life. Well, if only life goes according to plan...

Anw, now I feel like gg on a trip with my family. I feel like I miss them :/ hmmm... maybe this time round dad can sponsor a NZ trip. LOL!

A brand new year!

I've gotten my license and baby's having her new class now, like really now. It's gonna be a pretty challenging year ahead. I doubt it'll be a breeze, but I hope we'll each manage to sail through. Work wise my aim is to command a decent enough salary. At least be able to fund some short trips & perhaps be able to start my own financial planning as well. If it's still viable then I suppose it'll get better as the years go by.



Health wise I'm not too optimistic right now (since I'm coughing away). I've fallen sick quite a couple of times in 2010. Funnily it's out-of-the-blues scenarios, not like while having exams and so on... Right now I'm slowly increasing in size, and becoming less active. Not too great a formula for good health.



Religion wise, I'm still marching at the same spot as I have been since 2005. Going back & forth. But perhaps at a larger pace. I used to be rather nonchalent, pleased that I've escaped the clutches of the church & God. Honestly speaking, I've never regretted leaving the church for I feel I've opened up my thoughts quite abit since then. But with regards to whether a God exists.... I'm still sceptical. I would thank Him for letting me ever meet you, but question why such a devoted "child" of his would be made to suffer a stroke. If a God exist, then why allow floods to take away lives? Who has powers over the things men do not have?



Travel wise, my train journey seems a distant wanting. The idea's still good. But I don't know if the passion is still around. Maybe I don't even want to dig out that passion or lit up the flame once more for I feel there's no way it'll ever get done. I guess I'll focus more on short trips here & there and hopefully more diving as well! I need to brush up my fish ID skills!



Family wise, I don't know if we're becoming closer or drifting apart. I'm spending more time outside of the home. Maybe I should strike a proper balance.. But there are times I feel fearful sitting down for dinner with my family. There's always this something sitting between us that I know I can't open up. It's funny how the more I come out and finally be able to be frank with myself, the more I feel like I'm going back in with even more to hide.

Relationship wise, things r gg up & down for me. Since that night I've honestly been feeling rather insecure. There are times I just feel like letting go before u get sick of me. There are times I would imagine you leaving me and it absolutely tears me apart. But besides the occassional outbursts I'm generally very happy & feeling absolutely in love. I don't know what I have to give, but I hope this road of self-discovery will yield something. I will find myself in 2011.

Thoughts wise, I guess I've gotta learn how to be less judgemental. Not everything can be seen with the naked eye. Gotta learn how to take things as they come and cope, not avoid, it. Personality wise, maybe I've gotta learn to open up abit more.

Here and there. I need to grow up.