It's not that my heart has gained weight. I'm not sure whether it's even an argument or disagreement, but things definitely don't feel good today. I know you've said you won't talk about it. But I guess whatever I couldn't say just now I would like to explain myself now.
Frankly speaking, I did feel completely demoralized and at a certain point, really felt so drained that I completely didn't want to carry on. Perhaps you are just you to me. I couldn't possibly treat you like someone I don't know. So maybe I had some underlying expectations of how things would have turned out. When I reached the point of having totally given up, I wasn't blaming you for how things turned out. More of disappointed at myself. But I knew it just wasn't possible for me to carry on.
So my idea was to just completely forget about it before the situation gets worse. At that point I did seriously contemplate leaving by myself so I could have some space to cool down and reorganize my thoughts a little. But as I stood up I knew it would feel really terrible for you to be walked out upon like that when you've done nothing wrong.
Ok, so after that I really don't know what hit me. But after crying I know all my emotions and thoughts were pretty much in a mess that's why I said I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe I was unprepared. Maybe I was expecting something else from you. Maybe I was disappointed that I simply threw in the towel like that. I can't pinpoint the source, but somewhere along that lines I guess.
Haven't had the chance to speak to you since then. I hope we'll both feel better after a sleep. I don't know if our movie date is still on tomorrow. But I sure hope so...
- Grumpy & moody
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