31 dec 2012 - closing a chapter

Well, I wouldn't say this year is closing well. What with a broken heart and rain all day long.

Things changed. I got into a new job. Made some new friends. Lost some old ones. Went through a break up.

But some 10 years later I won't remember any of this. What I have is lessons that will shape my life from now on.

2013 will probably be a year of change. Change in thoughts is what I crave the most. I'll turn 25 next yr. quarter life what do I want? Fulfillment.

Dreams are meant to be fulfilled. I did one in 2012. Campervan trip to nz.

Bring on what's ahead!

30 dec 2012 - evaluation

Made my way to JB today. Had an awesome massage. Made contact lens. Had a great lunch & manageable dinner (I'm hungry again now!). The traffic there was bad. I don't like weaving with a pillion! Skills I need! An uneventful causeway ride? No! Went with everyone else to the BIKES lane. Hahaha.. Finally now I know it's for single riders only.. Nice one... Booked my lesson 3 on Friday.. I'm gonna pass! My ninja will await me! :p So many things I want. Need to plan my finances properly. Well, I guess I've recovered slightly from the zombie that once roamed the streets. The crack in my heart is slowly getting smaller. I guess the worst is over... How I shall rebuild my life from here is anyone's guess. Closure... I realise that's what I need. Lorraine thought what she did released those women from their fear. For some yes, for others it trapped them for the next 17 years. Living with that mystery for such a long time, Ray couldn't cope and searched for an answer all these years, going on a downward spiral the whole time. Closure, the truth.... What if the end had no answer?

30 dec 2012 - dreams

I dreamt about ants. I dreamt about you. Can't recall the full details. But you wrote me a letter. Can't recall the contents except one last line. You asked me to relook my life and why I was hurting her to cope with our breakup.

Hmm... Good morning anyway!

29 dec 2012

Today went for prac 3. But failed. Immediate failure + 24 pts :( read a whole book finished today. It's been some time. Brought home 2 red penguins. It's a long and sleepy day for me. I want my hand to get well soon. Miss darlie boy. Pat pat.

Goodnight. I love you.

28 dec 2012 - dinner

Yoshinoya dinner. Had beef and ebi meal today. They have a beef and mushroom meal. So tempted to eat it. But I thought it will remind me too much of you. U liked adding mushroom. And I like pinching your food. I kept losing today. Hmm. Went to this small little cafe where they have performers of Chinese songs. Cool. Nice place to be at. We went too late though. Was almost closing when we reached. I'm almost getting a little better with my roads. Riding does help huh. Cos can't rely that much on gps :p I've been riding for at least a year now. Glad to know I'm still intact, safe and sound. I'm glad to know you are too. There are some things I've never told you and I guess you'll never get to hear.

Anyway it's getting late now. Goodnight! I love you!

28 dec 2012 - hard at work!

630pm. Still at work. Didn't achieve my plan to sneak off early. Just some thoughts. Perhaps in future whatever I say to you will be filtered. Perhaps there will never be spontaneity again. Perhaps we can never sit and do nothing but feel like its the best time of our lives. Maybe there will be no more reservoir talks, no more early morning calls.

Or maybe there will be all that again. Maybe the care and comfort never died. Maybe it's a hiatus. Maybe we could be the friends we once ever were.

Going for dinner soon!

28 dec 2012

Happiness is surreal. Unhappiness is real.

Random blabber at work

27 dec 2012 - reflection on change

Was clearing some pictures in my phone. Came across alot which are very heartbreaking for me at the moment. The apps u said about my departure leaving a gap in your heart. I guess that was how much I once ever meant to you.

After the breakup I wished things would remain the same. That I could will chatter non stop with you. That we would still hang out. That we could still travel together. When in nz, we quarreled. I rmb clearly how u told me you didn't change. Your attitude has always been like that. I told u I have changed, Cos circumstances have, and why is it that you haven't. I guess that's clearly what I should be thinking. With our breakup things will definitely change, just a matter of how and what. A matter of for better or for worse.

I'm coping. Learning to embrace. Trying to find the person I can be which I will be proud and happy of. Opening my life doesn't seem that bad now. New meanings to festivals.

Today I looked into your eyes. There seemed to be uncertainty. Uncertain of how to treat me. U once said u felt heaviness when you see me. I feel happiness and also curiousness. I wonder why we couldn't be like this in the past. Maybe a little uneasiness in a relationship ain't that bad. Anyway, I do hope you will one day feel better when you see me again. Till then!

Goodnight. I love you!

27 dec 2012

Year coming to a close. I met u just now. Passed u your present and took stuff from u. We still have a common account. Keep it or close it? Guess I don't see the need to close it. But maybe there's no need to keep it either? This is funny.

Went to Mac for dinner. Where we used to head to together. I saw a girl with a toy penguin. She was throwing it around. It landed in a puddle of water. Lucky I saw her cleaning it. If she throws it away I'll be angry. Reminds me of the penguin I gave u. Never ever throw that away. There will come a day u probably will get rid of stuff I gave. But rmb, not that. Giving u that was when I gave u my heart and opened my life. Thats y on that day when u talked about going overseas on your own we quarreled so badly. I guess the past is the past. But there are some things that just hold so much meaning.

I miss talking to u. This is the only bridge I have left. U looked tired today. Rest well. Goodnight.

27 dec 2012 - delivered the last present

And received one. I realize the most precious gifts don't necessarily have to be the most valuable. It doesn't have to be what u have always longed for. It need not be the prettiest. But it has to be close to the heart.

26 dec 2012 - boxing day

Today went back to work. Wound still not healed. It tore open slightly today. I miss the days u took care of me when I burnt my leg. The rare care u show me. Tried killing those ants. They simply refuse to leave. Not much mood of working. Ate instant noodles. Booked my trip. Watched some tv. Life's different. Change. Did it really kill us?

25 dec 2012 - final moments of Christmas

Cozy night out with the cousins. Festive seasons always make one think. Loneliness. Guess doing the same thing with a different person can change an experience. Opened all my presents today. Quite tired from last night's lack of slp.

Guess you may never see this. But thank you you for being there during this tough period. Maybe it's time to count my blessings instead!

25 Dec 2012 - Reflection mid-Christmas

Letting go of a person who makes you happy in exchange for past memories sure doesn't seem wise. Now if only the heart could be more rationale... Past two years life was breathed into my life. Re:Start Merry Christmas to you! Going off for dinner now...

25 dec 2012 morning

Waiting for my dim sum now. The floor was hard. The night was cold. It's been a long while.

Merry Christmas to u!

24 dec 2012 Christmas eve

Past two yrs went to friend's house with you. This yr I'm on my own. Had a christmas party in office. It was fun. Nights r often crazy. They make one think alot. Today guess I will spent time gazing at the stars. No longer are you by my side. Some changes we may never get used to. We just learn to live with it. I still miss you. Not the dying kind I felt a few months back. Good that it's now that my counsellor has no time. I wonder if you miss me still. Wonder how u r adapting to changes without me with u. Nostalgia. Meaning of Christmas is slowly changing for me. May a new beginning be ahead of me. Goodnight love.

23 dec 2012

Whole body aching. Finally bought all presents. Wrapped them. Tried a new place for dinner. Growing up isn't easy. Transferred lots of money out. Apps you. Dreamt alot while awake. Sang n tap dance on the bike. Early day tomorrow. How will I see through the festive season?

I miss what I've been saying almost every night.. Goodnight... I love you

22 dec 2012

Fun. Tiring. Pretty kites. Don't know whether can finish the journey tonight. Out of sight, not out of mind. Dropped the bike. I miss u.

22 dec 2011 good morning

It's a brand new day. How are you over there? Had fun last night? I'm heading out soon. Tough night ahead!

21 dec 2012 end of the world

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

20 dec 2012

Shopping worry! No presents for others. Lots for myself. New cd. Long time haven't bought one and just sit down listening to soothing sounds. In my past rs I've been so busy. With what I'm not sure. Certain small things in life I've neglected. I'm growing to learn to live with myself once more. We come and go alone. Good to get used to it :)

I think I have abit more of my heart to give to others. To learn to care once again.

I still miss u. Still wish we could be together. I still look back and wonder. If things could be different. I often wonder if I could have you back and learn to rearrange everything again. Would you choose to be with someone you can live with, or someone you cannot live without. I'm greedy enough to choose both. The person you cannot live without must also be a person you can live with. I guess I guess....

Christmas is coming. It's gonna be a long and hard one. New yr too. Too much memories. The first new yr I spent with you was exciting but full of tears. The second one I wanted to watch fireworks with you. But u refused to wake up. My idea of romance. Hahaha. I ever once told you to never leave me alone for the new yr bcos of a very bad past experience. I guess I will have to face it this yr. finally without u.

Hum di di dum... Acoustic sounds...

Enjoy your trip! Be safe... My love...

19 dec 2012

Back to work. Full blown work. Lots of stuff to do. Went off early. Did some shopping. Had a good dinner. Yummy egg. I stole someone's egg :p. rode fino around. Watched some tv. Thought of you. Big m came. Looked through photos. Miss the sea. I love u still. Goodnight.

18 dec

Ok day. Did normal work. Attended meetings. Had good dinner. Met a new friend. Pus oozing out. Bathing's a chore. Very tired now. Still have things to do. Wait for tomorrow. Goodnight to you :)

Tired

Full and sleepy. Had a good dinner. Wish U were there. Drove down memory lane. Injured, wet and sad. I survived. 44mins till end of a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. Gotten rid of pests. Snapshot of feelings today. Goodnight :)

17 dec 2012

Today is a bad bad day. It's the kind of day I wished 18 dec came after the 16th.

Meme land

Had a yummy yummy lunch today. One step closer to rebuilding meme land

I watched till you disappeared from sight. And then my heart broke.

U gotta do. What you gotta do

Goodbye

Yet again, saying goodbye seems to be the hardest thing.

Moving forward, Thinking backwards

I wonder if after time, when we look back, the memories will seem more bitter/sweet then they actually are. More important than they actually were. I am blessed because I was loved by you.

To you

I'm leaving for the wkend. Prob I can't talk to u everyday for these few days. I'll miss u.

I thought I was on the road to recovery. I thought I could bring myself out of this. But right now I have relapsed. And I need you real bad.

Will u just spend one night with me?

Dear sunshine

You once left me a note saying u were 3.7km, 5mins, a phone call or an SMS away. Does it still hold true?

I woke up feeling really empty today...

I thought I was on the road to recovery.... Till tonight....

Present me, Future me

Was reading back on my last posts.. Chanced upon the one I wrote to Futureme.. Not much had gone the way I wished it to happen. Many things have changed. The past me was very optimistic and everything I hoped upon Futureme was an upward spiral from where I was. I can't remember what it was like when I made those wishes. Presentme can't make any hopes on Futureme anymore. But hopefully one day I can again... I know I need to walk out of this. Bruised and scarred I will be.... But I've got to learn to live with it.

I think I learnt that having a best friend as a lover isn't so great an idea. Because when the time comes when you really need her the most, she can't be there for you

Unbearable nights ya...

Pain

In this past years, I've been jealous, insecure, irritated, fustrated... But the most painful of all is now, letting go... Smiles don't come easy... We have to earn it :)

Recovery

I've come some way in dealing with the emotions. But it's not enough yet. Still, a pat on my back for the small progress made :)

Do wonder how long it will take though. NZ trip is coming up... 加油吧!

Why are you feeling what you're feeling?

Today someone asked me that qn. Why do we feel a certain way almost instantly? It seems like we do not think why, whether we should, does it help the situation, when we feel a certain way.

But maybe that's the spontaneity of feelings.

Memories

Throughout these years, memories of you have came in the form of songs, mac tables, conversations we had, the flag pole we silly-ly stood at to sing a birthday song... But today was different... I was reminded of you because I needed you.

Waking up

when every morning you wake up, not being grateful for a brand new day, but wondering if today can be your last day, weekends are not a good idea.

假装没事了

No, I haven't recovered.. It's still eating me alive... No matter how I pretend it's not

After one whole round im still back to where I was.

fml... It's coming again...

Dear you,

You may never see this. But thank you for your efforts last night. I've never felt more normal in the past few days.

Regards,
Me

Save me from this misery please. Return me my happiness or just kill me

救命救命。

Do I not mean anything to u anymore??

Save me.... Save me...

Instead of breaking up with me why didn't u just kill me. I seem to be dying a slow death now.

I just saw a frog. At the place u caught tadpoles for me. At the place we released Froggy together.

As if all I'm going through isn't enough. Life must mock me in the face.

How long more will it take for me to stop wanting to die and start wanting to live?

I don't know why I'm so useless. I wasn't successful loving a person. And then I'm not successful forgetting her.

So I still love u. And it's killing me...

I feel so dumb to have ever loved and given so much that it would kill me now. Why is it after all the nice and happy past, the ending is always misery and sadness? What have I done to deserve all the suffering? When can the moment come where it all ends? Put a stop to it. Enough is enough.

I hate myself n I want to die. Is there a miracle way of closing my eyes and never having to wake up to this nightmare again?

Sometimes I wish time will stand still for us...

Yes I wish it too. I love you. I really do...

原来放手也是一种拥有

Thank you

Thanks for the efforts in writing the letter. It has once again made me feel like I'm important in your life. Had a good heart to heart talk with you today, something we haven't done for awhile. Maybe this will bring us back to where we started, before the first 'I think I like you' was said. Thanks for spending the day with me. It was a great birthday I had, although it somehow crossed my mind you did not wish me Happy Birthday. haha :) Thank you for the very happy 2 years I had with you. May the following years we have together be one as comfortable, as open, as happy as we are now. 可惜不是你陪我到最后 但感谢那时你牵过我的手 It's a pity you aren't the one who will be with me till the end But thank you for once holding my hand

Can I ask a question? Are you still around?

24 小时

可惜不是你， 陪我到最后 谢谢你牵过我的手 以为在你身边，就是算永远 我错了 以为放开了难过，就会比较开心 到头来，难过和开心是离不开彼此 放了一个，就不能拥有另一个 不管走到何处都会想起你 怎能忘记再继续？ 承诺，责任，交代 -- 真的是陌生吗？

Let's break up

so this is how it feels like to be alive and wishing you were dead...

逃避。。 离开。。

Really need somewhere to run away to, to leave reality behind. How should I proceed from here?

My dreams

I want to set out to fulfil my dreams... The dreams I had before I met you... But they have become so interwoven with you, even those don't make me happy anymore. I think I shouldn't have talked so much, shared too much. Help me help me....

Happiness and Misery

I don't know what can make me happy again. I don't know what happened, is happening and going to happen. Why was I robbed all of a sudden? Probably just a month ago I could foresee a lifetime of happiness with you. Now... I can't even feel it when I'm beside you. Happiness just walked out and misery came in. Pain pain go away. I have learnt - Don't ever love anyone more than yourself. Don't ever do things for others that you won't even do for yourself

Work

An urge to get out of this shit hole....

Food for thought.. Since I'm not hungry

Just heard this... 'it takes years to build a relationship'. Is 1.5 yrs really enough? Hmmm

I wish seeing u would stop making me so happy....

A simple phone

Suddenly I recalled the days of hunting around for a phone that can allow me to use a headphone to talk to u... Such simple thoughts pierce me real deep.

退后

我们两个都没有错，只是忘了怎么退后。现在，还来得及吗？ 越想要掌握，拥有，活得越不自在。一个梦想就这样改变了我们。也许希望自己重要点儿。事实摆在眼前的时候，有点措手不及，不知该怎么反应。伤心，眼泪，也许是爱一个人的过程，最终希望结局是笑口满面。 会是你吗？

Can't control my feelings

I just can't control my feelings. One moment up, one moment down. I really hope to one day find peace with myself.. Such a tough life, is it worth living? Every tear, is it worth crying? Every smile, how long does it last? You're the source of my happiness and my pain. When do we fight to hold on to happiness and when do we decide to let go of pain? Wish vs reality. Are we really suitable? What will the future hold?

What's bugging me?

I'm not sure how to begin this post and not sure how it is going to end. I feel the need to be secure in a r/s, the need to feel wanted, the need to feel like I'm part of the life of my partner, the need to be the one he or she would like to share things with.... and I guess all of these are lacking in my current r/s Is it me really asking too much? Or you reluctant to share? While it may have seem easy for me to open up and be the person I am today, it's a huge step for me and person I am today never was the person I was. Questioning? Reporting? I've never wanted any of those. What I want is sharing. To share the good times, the funny times, the bad times. I don't want to always be kept in the dark of what is going on. You said you would never lie to me... I believe that, because you hardly even say anything to me. I'm not sure why I'm not the person you would want to share your day with. Don't even see what's wrong in asking you who you're meeting. It's such a simple straight forward question with no hidden agenda and yet you can't answer me. The outburst yesterday... It's not that I don't want to give you your space. It's not that we must meet all the time. It's just that it has come rather sudden to me that you are suddenly packing your weekends with all activities except me. And you said it has always been like that... Really? Have we really spent so many weekends apart? Besides the sudden-ness, I guess what's really bugging me is that you're gonna disappear for an entire weekend and I will never get to know what you've been up to. Again, I'm not asking for a report, just wishing to know what you've done over the weekend. All plain and simple and I get suspected of being suspicious and not giving you space. You want to know what's on my mind and I can't know yours. You'll ask me who I'm meeting but I can't ask you. I really have no idea how I'm going to go on like this. I realise love really has no way of conquering all things practical and cannot see me through the day-to-day operations of a r/s. I feel miserable...

The person worth your tears, will never make u cry..

Burnt progress

14 July After 2 weeks

What belongs to me belongs to me. If I live in fear of being robbed, then maybe it isn't truly mine

Best of times....

I guess they're over and never will return. It's challenging to move forward into probably another phase of life. Well, it's difficult to decide how to treat others - by how we want to treat them or how they would treat us? This nightmare is going on in my head. The past I cannot forget, the future I cannot foresee. When do we let go of the pain, when do we hold on to the happiness? Are boundaries so clear?

The uneasiness looms around me. It's bad in the day and worse at night. Idk if the feeling of happiness is really worth the tears of sorrow. One is fleeting... The other burns and scars...

Still battling the fear within. Why am I so accident prone? Hmmm...

Pain pain go away

I can't help but feel my heart sink a little more...

I'm so far from perfection... Left my baby hungry today :(

New phase

About to embark on a new phase of my life... The previous chapter was not so long ago, but I've grown, learnt and move on I shall...

Happy V-Day my beloved :)

I have a really cute girlfriend. Period.

Shubas

Just suddenly remembered.. One thing I took away from the Shubas book was this saying.

As a team, you must work together. You must stand together in the face of adversity. In front of everyone, you must stand together, regardless of whether your team mate is in the wrong or not. You can always whack him in the locker room. But you must stand together when facing others.

In dreamland!

While you are in dreamland and I'm still on the phone with you.... *Happens almost on daily basis :p*

Realise I don't twitch anymore when I sleep with you :p

Certain of your habits such as not getting into bed with dirty clothes, I've adopted them :p

Being neat - not yet :x

Flossing teeth - sometimes :/

Listening to radio - no, and never !!!

hahaha.. just some random post! Love ya!!