sometimes i wish u had a better memory...

1st Anniversary!!

We're one year old now!!

The right person, the right moment

:)

Quote of The Day

"If being gay is a choice, show us the proof. Choose it. Choose to be gay yourself. Show America how that's done."

DAN SAVAGE,
columnist and co-founder of the It Gets Better campaign, propositioning Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain — who has said that being gay is a choice — in an explicit open letter

So What's Up?

Long time since I last blogged.. At least about happy stuff.. haha..

Title is a little misleading, as I've really been up to nothing lately. LoL..

Right now looking at Hantu trip, Phuket--Krabi trip...

I'm pretty glad in our relationship we still have things to talk about, laugh about, poke fun at each other about.. Maybe should cut down on the (excessive) eating though :p

I always thought 1 year would be a pretty long time to see another person and I'll just get bored of it.. But amazingly (and luckily) not... hehe.. Seeing you still makes me grin :)

I love how you called me 'dear dear' a few days back, then said 'I love you' :)

Remember how you surprised me with the rose :)

Was thinking about the massive amounts of pets you have/had. Haha.. Mossy, tadpole, ants, guinea pigs, prawns...? (I missed out any?)

Looking forward to go diving with you.. Travelling with you.. Hehe.. I have donut chip beside me now..

I'm feeling good today. Happy I saw you. Although u slept and didn't text me! Hehe.. Goodnight baby... My toad voice will wake u up again :)

So hard to talk to me? That was really painful indeed...

So many things I can't put into words
So much pain my heart can't ease
So much tears just flow down my cheeks
The bad memories and worst nightmares just won't go away
The nagging doubts robbing me of my securities
The desire to run away
To a land far far away
To what was promised to be paradise
Where everyone's happy, kind and sane
Of what is known as afterlife
It's so strange I think
Why not make us all robots and clones
No happiness, no sadness, no war, no peace
Each individual is just like the next
Why tout paradise as the place to go
Is it even possible to achieve
When there's no change in formula
It's the same men and women forming the world now and then
Is it really safe up there?

Emotions...

Growl... Today was a miserable day. I upsetted my darling and got really petty over small stuff.. Need to take a serious check on my emotions. Thoughts tend to run really wild and drive me nuts. I wonder if its the release of insecuries that have been buried or it's the building up of insecurities that's scaring me. hmmm...

And I need to stop being so utterly petty over tiny stuff *slaps forehead!*

So amazing...

To love and be loved...

I never once thought it was possible to be at the stage I'm in. I enjoy the nights in your arms, squeezy as it may be.

A special day!

Happy 8th month anniversary baby :)

You're nicely tucked into bed now... I'm thinking how cute you look when you're asleep.. Hehe...

Baobei...

I love you and miss you

Prayers

I don't think I would be considered a Christian, but this few days I've been praying so much I might just be mistaken as one. I definitely feel torn apart internally. And I don't know where to let it all go. There feels like a wall building up and isolating me once again. I hate all that internal feelings that I don't share with you when I feel it. But then again who wants to listen to the boring thoughts discussed countless of times. I've said we haven't spoken for so long. I think it's because I feel I'm keeping alot of thoughts to myself. Lots of stuff are weighing on my mind and I can't get it off. I'm extremely miserable!!! :( I don't know if there's a God out there. If yes, thanks for listening to all my grumbles.

Insecurity

The insecurities that fill my heart and mind are endless
The tears that roll down my cheeks is like a waterfall that never dries up
When can I ever bring you happiness and satisfaction
I'm really starting to hate this person I see in the mirror

Pride

It's a funny thing..

Some people say never let it go. Come one day it might be all you have left.

Others say let it go a little. It inhibits you and you'll gain more than you lose.

The straight route

While speaking to you yest about Fel's marriage, once again I started to ponder, if I could choose to be straight, would I?

I sometimes thought being straight was the solution to the problems brought about by being gay. But as I look around me.... How many unions fall into the perfect fit of how life stages or partners should be like?

Take Fel.. Yes, she's straight and married a man. But does this mean it gets everyone's blessings? No. I've always looked up to this girl. Every obstacle around her is huge. But she overcomes it with a stronger determination than ever.

LK... Married a girl 3 yrs his senior, and everything was in place way before he sat for his exams or found a job.

Mitz.. Her first ROM wasn't attended by her parents. Too young, different religion, smokes... I'm not sure what else there is. Similarly, a very determined girl. I'm just glad the entire family was there on her wedding.

Tric.. Honestly, me here is also biased against the guy. But I know he loves her & they've been tog for quite some time.. Quite obviously her parents don't like him. But she's been trying to let them meet I guess.

So in conclusion! Being straight solves no problems!

I can't confidently say if I could choose I'll choose to be gay. But I'll no longer cast it in stone that I'll wanna be straight.

Today I learn a new word.... 'youthful idealism'

Welcome to my room...

Well, so just as I've explained, my room is probably the last of me left & is a safe haven for me to indulge in. There's this strange jittery feeling when people enter my room, even if it's just to take a look for awhile. I know it's weird, but I can't help it.

However, at the end of the day, old ways must give way to new circumstances. So let me bring you on a tour of my room.

A brief history first..

This room once housed my maid & grandma while I stayed with my sis in my sis current room. After my grandma passed away my maid took over the room for a few years (till she left). In this room was where I had my ironing 'training lessons', till one day the iron caught fire and I stopped from then on. In here was also where I had my nightly chats with my maid with her bear 'peach bear' and my bear 'can't rmb his name bear'. Well, till she left.

So after she left I took over the room and slept on my grandma's bed. It was a wooden bed with very thin matress. But that's not the issue. The issue was that it had a board at both ends of the bed, so.... I believed it was the one that hindered my growth & that explains why I'm so short! Hehehe..

I think it was in 2005 (after O level, bef poly) that I went on to renovate my room. I wanted the colours green & orange (even the painter say I crazy). Daddy also helped me laminate my floor and they told me I must hand clean my floor because cannot have too much water on it. I also got to plaster my wall as it was cracking (maybe because my room is the side most area of the block). Anyway, it begin cracking soon after also la, but at least I got pretty smooth walls. I was a copycar wrt furniture and I got the same one as my sis. But I was smarter to get a full length mirror (yay!)

So after the not-so-brief history. Here's my room.

After entering the door. This is the view that greets you.


Perhaps similar to what you've seen..


Brining you on an anti-clockwise tour. On the right is this. And the basketball is inside too


Beside it is my vainity cupboard. All the contacts lens and stuff


Then on the lower half is some photo frames. Most pictures from NZ. And in the cupboard below is all my travel stuff


In front of it is a whole lot of soft toys in there..


Now, into my cupboard.. The first 1/3 of it stores alot of errr... stuff... Basically I'm quite paiseh to admit I used to like S.H.E alot & I have alot of their stuff. Ya... And somehow I think it's really embarressing.


The next 2/3 stores clothes. And in the 3 cupboards below. The first is where I store alot of your stuff. Like your mirror and light from phantom. haha.. The second is some notes (I also don't know what else), and the third is underwear.


The next also stores clothes. And on top is my financial planning module notes. And some other stuff I think.


Underused aircon with some stuff on the floor


The view from my room..


Rosie is half-dead.. But feel like preserving her body. My first flower. More to come? :p


My table.. Very messy. Used to be better


The floor is where I stored my files..


The chair where I come home, take off my clothes, and just throw..


My bed.. Thought of arranging them nicely before taking pics, but I think you should see the real state. This is how it looks when I just get up.


One of my proudest installations.. Saw it in ikea against a green wall. So thought I should transport it to my room


Some travel stuff! Haven’t found a place to put the tanker you gave me. Hehe.. Need to clear space.


This is the telephone I use to speak to you every night. The blue one is spoilt de. Can listen, can’t dial. The silver one is the idiotic one that keeps putting down on you. Not me, not me….


Ok, so I've come to the end of my tour. Honestly I'm doing this while messaging you right now. I don't know if this can actually help or salvage anything left right now. But I just want you to know you're the only person I've ever felt so much pain and happiness with and for.

To FutureMe... Bcos the website refuse to accept me!!

So the following is a letter to FutureMe bcos the darn website keeps telling me my internet connection is down just when I want to send it to FutureMe. This letter is private and not meant to be read. So please refrain (even the font colours cannot be changed)
-------------------------------------------------
Dear FutureMe,

I am PresentMe. It's funny how I don't know anything about you, but you know everything about me. At the same time, I decide who you are, but you cannot change who I am.

PresentMe has just embarked on a new phrase of life after graduating one year ago. She has begin a new career, got into a new relationship, started to structure and plan out you, FutureMe.

Right now PresentMe is a Financial Advisor & loves her job to a a certain extent. Her worries are financial stability, career prospect and self discipline. She would like FutureMe to having at least $50k in GR, and mostly in investments rather than insurance. Are you there yet?

PresentMe now also has a girlfriend who introduced her to FutureMe. PresentMe feels inadequate and doesn't feel like she meets up to her girlfriend's expectations & feels that she deserves better. However, PresentMe is selfish. She doesn't want to give her up. PresentMe knows that she can't live without MQ and it'll be absolutely heartbreaking for her. PresentMe hopes FutureMe will be more confident in relationships, be more observant to her girlfriend's likes/dislikes and hopes that she can be someone her girlfriend can rely on. Are you there yet?

PresentMe also has a family who doesn't know she is gay. She is scared that they find out as her parents will get very upset. But she wants her girlfriend to be included in her life. PresentMe is very confused and doesn't really have much hope about FutureMe.

On a personal level, PresentMe is relatively happy, but knows she has alot of areas to improve on & feels like she hasn't reached her full potantial.

Let's see what FutureMe has to say about PresentMe one year later. See you dude!!

5th month into my job...

It's pretty much a nightmare right now.. I feel stuck btwn responsibility, overcoming fear, stability, etc.

Things have come to a standstill, and somehow I feel that I have to leave. But what about cases that are pending? What about the people I've promised I'd follow up with them?

Platform is good. But perhaps sales might not be entirely for me..

Volatility

The past four days seem to be a copy & paste of each other. Every day starts out good, and ends on a bad note.

Perhaps I'm becoming too reliant on you...

A question that needs an answer!

Hey you there... Yes you... Remember on New Year's Eve you said you hope that one day you can look at me and know that I'm worth it to have as a gf? Now how's that coming along?

Reflection

Ha! Maybe should stop by to do a weekly or monthly reflection or something..

Where should I begin....

Work: Where am I going? How do I move on from here? The past cases, are they going to be processed all fine? I guess all these are my greatest concerns right now. I think I need to start thinking. Be independent. Stop absorbing all the things pple say and treating it as though it's the way of life. My life has to be tailored and suited to what's important and suitable for me. I wish we could all just be a little bit more trusting. I know Pris means well by warning me of all the possible consequences, but it has made me really wary of people. I guess that intern's words really woke me up. Is work all about money? Can colleagues never be friends? Why am I not even bothering to interact with them? I don't want to 20 years down the road become the person she is...

Relationship: In the paat I've been happily thinking about what the future holds for us. Things have seemed so optimistic back then. Now, things have settled and I'm becoming more realistic. Besides the cost of owning a flat and vehicle, what's the possibility of us being able to stay under one roof. All the excuses I've got to make up. All the lies I've got to live with... All that hiding... It's just making me so jealous that my sis can come home with him, while I've got to think twice and thrice each time I mention your name. It's so terribly hard to find a person you can and want to be with. It's like the most beautiful thing, yet the most cruel joke.

Family: Give and take is the key. All that quaralling... It's been around as far back as I can remember. When will it all stop? Been trying to spend more time around with them now. Maybe just sitting down and watching tv with them or something. Dad and mum is getting old. I'm honestly v worried about our finances for the future if they should fall sick. I mean like two young pple supporting two old pple?!

Me, myself and I: Feeling stagnant right now. Don't feel much growth within me. Maybe been too occupied lately that I don't have time for myself? Sometimes I feel that way. But when it comes to spending alone time I kind of dread it and will drag you out instead. Haha.. Kinda weird.. It's like

Brain: "It's alone time right now! Go out there and spend time with yourself!"
Heart: "Errrr... She makes you happy. Right?"
Brain: "Uh huh......."
Heart: "Better to talk to someone about what you're thinking then bottling it up. Right?"
Brain: "Uh huh............"
Heart: "So do what you're suppose to!"
Hands: *text MQ*


Ok.. So this blog is turning emo cos I only recall you in times of emo-ness. Haha! My life's really not all doom and gloom cos I'm sunshine!! :D But what if all I have to give is not enough...

Girl: Why are you following me?

Boy: Cos my mum told me to follow my dreams.

I feel like I'm addicted to crying. When will I ever learn how to survive. It's such a love-hate relationship with my life right now.

Alienate

Well, I guess at the end of the day I do feel a sense of being an outcast somewhat. I know it's been more or less bugging me since yesterday.

I'm so glad I have you with me. The happiness I get when I'm with you is indescribable..

Work wise. Am absolutely moody about it. There're so many hiccups here and there, so many things I don't know. And don't know who can help.. I'm definitely desperate for an income. All the sheets of paper that come in are just paper and have stopped meaning anything to me when they're not converted into dollar terms.

Maybe I've been too spoon-fed in life I don't know how to go out and get my own help. I'm trying... But I need to be handheld at times. Not just in soft skills, but also in that crazy amount of paperwork.

After speaking to Tristan the other day I somehow feel I might just be happier following his path. I don't really know where all that determination has gone to...

Just as an overall summary. I guess I'm feeling pretty down and feel like I'm carrying alot of baggage. I feel pretty useless to still be taking an allowance at this age. When can I even fulfil my own dream of getting a bike.. Much less a car, flat, acceptance..

Baby I miss you so much... Want to be safe and secure in your arms right now :(

a weird sense of loneliness...

From my new netbook!!

Hello! You were the first person I thought of and I wanna share my joy & sorrows with you :p

Since you're cozing up in bed so I'll share it here.

Joy: Finally something lighter. Though still kinda heavy. But at least half the weight of my current lappy.

Sorrow: F#$king slowwww! And it had to hang once when I'm trying to post this. Haiyo... And they didn't upgrade my RAM for me. sobs. I'm losing my enthusiasm of this thing :(

See you tomorrow!

I guess I do hope to one day be a person you can turn to...

To my lover

Goodnight, sleep tight. I love you.

Boyfriend?

So do I have a boyfriend?

It's a clear 'NO' to me. But maybe a 'YES' to others? I'm puzzled on how to deal with this question...

Solutions may be unconventional

Heavy heart...

It's not that my heart has gained weight. I'm not sure whether it's even an argument or disagreement, but things definitely don't feel good today. I know you've said you won't talk about it. But I guess whatever I couldn't say just now I would like to explain myself now.

Frankly speaking, I did feel completely demoralized and at a certain point, really felt so drained that I completely didn't want to carry on. Perhaps you are just you to me. I couldn't possibly treat you like someone I don't know. So maybe I had some underlying expectations of how things would have turned out. When I reached the point of having totally given up, I wasn't blaming you for how things turned out. More of disappointed at myself. But I knew it just wasn't possible for me to carry on.

So my idea was to just completely forget about it before the situation gets worse. At that point I did seriously contemplate leaving by myself so I could have some space to cool down and reorganize my thoughts a little. But as I stood up I knew it would feel really terrible for you to be walked out upon like that when you've done nothing wrong.

Ok, so after that I really don't know what hit me. But after crying I know all my emotions and thoughts were pretty much in a mess that's why I said I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe I was unprepared. Maybe I was expecting something else from you. Maybe I was disappointed that I simply threw in the towel like that. I can't pinpoint the source, but somewhere along that lines I guess.

Haven't had the chance to speak to you since then. I hope we'll both feel better after a sleep. I don't know if our movie date is still on tomorrow. But I sure hope so...

- Grumpy & moody

From office

Some random post from office since I'm rarely in here!

Hope to see u later dear!

Off to brave the rain!

The Happy Days!!

So before this blog sinks into depression from all that emo-ness, I'll shall cheer her up with some of our happy days!

Beginning from yesterday...

I'm so surprised u would actually be in bugis. Afterall, u took X no. of weeks to still-not-get your sunglasses done! haha! Oh ya.. Just in case I forget they said it will take abt 1-2wks for it to arrive. N your receipt is with me!

Ok, so what happened was I left office rather late and was all starving at that time. I quickly rushed to bugis mrt bef giving my baby a call. She didn't pick up my call and my first thought was 'uh oh she's sleeping!'. The train came and I boarded it. Then, tada! She called! haha.. was too late for me to dash out, so sat to lavender and then got back...

In all my hungry state I wanted to chomp on some tori-q to appease my stomach, but baby forbid me to.. And then we begin to play Guess-where-am-I game. haha! okok. i didn't find her. she told me where she was.

We finally settled at MOF. I got an unagi egg something set with tempura & she got a salmon bento. errr.. bt somehow i feel like i ate almost all!? I got lovingly spoon fed for the first half of the meal bef I regained energy to feed myself! :p

Obviously due to the stomach protest.. There's no evidence of main course left. Just dessert!

Since baby mentioned. Look @ the two spoons together! LOL

Apparently dinner was not all I got....

Next.... She played an 'unknown' tune to me... With this....

N then we stood along some carpark trying to figure out the tune.... hehehe! I love to see u so shy :p After she gave me a ride home, I had a song that goes something like....

You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine

You make me happy,

when skies are grey

You never know dear,

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

Hehehe!! I do admit this sunshine has been a little bit clouded lately. But I hope this cloud in my heart & thoughts will blow away quickly. I hope to be able to shine through it and provide you with warmth and errrr.. vitamin D?

Next up. My baby has developed a liking for a round me. And after our hefty dinner (good thing I wasn't made to eat tori-q anymore), I got more snacks!

Hehe. Reminds me of the day I pestered her to get me the black biscuit when it simply wasn't included in her voucher.

I got home and bathed before heading out to catch Mr. Hanky Panky in action. And I saw my darling again this morning! Weeee~

I know I'm not all grown up...

but I guess I still can make certain decisions on my own. All that talk about asking me to explore/experiment/try out with someone else. Please just let it stop before it does permanant damage to me. Idk if you said it bcos you don't want to fully commit to this r/s or like as you claim, it's for my own good. If it's the former just be frank with me & I'll make a serious consideration so that we can compromise somewhere. If it's the latter I just want you to know I can decide what is best for myself.

Regarding coming out to my family I've always been gg back and forth with it. So far my stand is that I'm not ready to let them know bcos I don't think I can handle the backlash yet. But I don't want to heavily compromise my lifestyle & make you an invisible element. To me things are fine as it is now. They know your existence but don't know that we r together. Should they happen to chance upon anything, I'll take whatever comes my way.

I know you had a terrible experience coming out n prob might feel that my character is not strong or mature enough to handle it. But at the end of the day I need to learn to defend myself. I always knew that I won't come out because of you. But I always thought that you would be the one that can give me the most strength and support through whatever difficult times that comes my way. I have never doubted this... But right now I think my belief has not only wavered but probably plummeted to almost zero. Not only do I feel I won't get your support, somehow I feel you'll even join hands with others to persuade me to become 'normal'. That's what will make everyone happy isn't it?

I don't know... Maybe afterall I barely know you....

What if I told you that one year of acting straight was one of the most painful periods of my life? What if I told you I seriously did contemplate taking my life?

Is it so ok for you to lose me?

I've shed so much tears already and I feel so lonely...

Why do I suddenly miss the days when we were just friends.. Just feel like those days we got so much closer at a faster rate. Somehow I feel stagnant now. hmmm.. It's like as if we begin doing so much things together that we don't talk anymore. If we were to lie there till 3am again, would we have that neverending conversations? Idk... I don't mean that talking nonstop is essential... I feel comfortable with you even in silence... it's just that we seem to have shared a certain part of us with each other, and then we just stopped. I can't say for sure what's unshared or missing, but it definitely doesn't feel that complete yet. Maybe I need to learn to be less constipated.. n increase my vocab to learn to explain certain thoughts...

Guess another part that bugs me is just how little I feel I understand you.. Your likes & dislikes.. hmmm.. I can't really look at a thing and go 'Bingo! I know she likes that'. Idk. maybe it's the lack of the so called gut feeling, or observation skills.. Or perhaps it's the communication..

But I'm certain one thing that hasn't changed is how happy I feel whenever I see you. The bu she de-ness whenever we part. The missing you when we're apart. I know I still love and want you by my side. That kind of genuine happiness seems amazing. That kind of energy to rush out at 6am shocks me. That kind of feeling of wanting to show you off to the world I cannot comprehend.

However, slowly my dream of forever is fading. Tears of sadness sometimes swell up at this prospect. But maybe it can help keep expectations in check. Maybe it can help me treasure you more. N ironically, maybe it can keep my hope of forever real.

While looking back at our old NZ pictures, had a sudden feeling that the past happiness just cannot be replicated. We've all grown up. Maybe our choice of travelling companions have changed. Maybe the things we want to do have become different. Now I understand why they say it's not easy to find someone to travel with. Maybe it's too difficult to find someone who can go off on the same days & have the same budget & want to go to the same place & wants to go with you...

I want to go back to NZ. That has been my dream ever since 2005. I rmb having a nice savings plan set out wishing I could go after poly or uni. Can work & travel on the same trip. Fast forward to 2010, the dream's still there. But reality has sunk in. I'm more broke then ever, and even if I save enough there's so much conflicting goals in life. Well, if only life goes according to plan...

Anw, now I feel like gg on a trip with my family. I feel like I miss them :/ hmmm... maybe this time round dad can sponsor a NZ trip. LOL!

A brand new year!

I've gotten my license and baby's having her new class now, like really now. It's gonna be a pretty challenging year ahead. I doubt it'll be a breeze, but I hope we'll each manage to sail through. Work wise my aim is to command a decent enough salary. At least be able to fund some short trips & perhaps be able to start my own financial planning as well. If it's still viable then I suppose it'll get better as the years go by.



Health wise I'm not too optimistic right now (since I'm coughing away). I've fallen sick quite a couple of times in 2010. Funnily it's out-of-the-blues scenarios, not like while having exams and so on... Right now I'm slowly increasing in size, and becoming less active. Not too great a formula for good health.



Religion wise, I'm still marching at the same spot as I have been since 2005. Going back & forth. But perhaps at a larger pace. I used to be rather nonchalent, pleased that I've escaped the clutches of the church & God. Honestly speaking, I've never regretted leaving the church for I feel I've opened up my thoughts quite abit since then. But with regards to whether a God exists.... I'm still sceptical. I would thank Him for letting me ever meet you, but question why such a devoted "child" of his would be made to suffer a stroke. If a God exist, then why allow floods to take away lives? Who has powers over the things men do not have?



Travel wise, my train journey seems a distant wanting. The idea's still good. But I don't know if the passion is still around. Maybe I don't even want to dig out that passion or lit up the flame once more for I feel there's no way it'll ever get done. I guess I'll focus more on short trips here & there and hopefully more diving as well! I need to brush up my fish ID skills!



Family wise, I don't know if we're becoming closer or drifting apart. I'm spending more time outside of the home. Maybe I should strike a proper balance.. But there are times I feel fearful sitting down for dinner with my family. There's always this something sitting between us that I know I can't open up. It's funny how the more I come out and finally be able to be frank with myself, the more I feel like I'm going back in with even more to hide.

Relationship wise, things r gg up & down for me. Since that night I've honestly been feeling rather insecure. There are times I just feel like letting go before u get sick of me. There are times I would imagine you leaving me and it absolutely tears me apart. But besides the occassional outbursts I'm generally very happy & feeling absolutely in love. I don't know what I have to give, but I hope this road of self-discovery will yield something. I will find myself in 2011.

Thoughts wise, I guess I've gotta learn how to be less judgemental. Not everything can be seen with the naked eye. Gotta learn how to take things as they come and cope, not avoid, it. Personality wise, maybe I've gotta learn to open up abit more.

Here and there. I need to grow up.